Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Um … Hot Wings please

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”