Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

*looks at you in batman voice*

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*