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Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
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The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
