Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”