new record!
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It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.