Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

My boss called in sick of me

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Wait a minute…

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫