New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
New Tinder profile.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?