New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
The point of your 20s
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.