New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book