New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
sweet dreams💖
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Facebook memories be like
