New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
🤣
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
meow
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.