Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Does beer think about me too?

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

I’ve been drinking.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.