NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.