NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”