Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Bro what is this

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life