Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

I have two kinds of followers

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex