ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.