Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Science is fun!

#nottrue

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.