New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
me refusing to leave twitter
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.