@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

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@Marcisgoinham

Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@Bob_Janke

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

@fro_vo

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁

@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

@DaddyNick

Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting

@SentenceReduced

Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.