New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

You Might Also Like


Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard


Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label


“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”


When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.


I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot


Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99


[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean


I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁


Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.


Block the toddler from the kitchen while I sweep left, handoff the baby, pass you a bottle and take a shower.

On 2. Go!

Football parenting


Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.