I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
cop: again, the police dog is not an officer
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Mary Lincoln: we’re going to that play tonight, and that’s final!
Abe Lincoln: ugh… how can this day get any worse?
If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.