New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.


Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it


Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat


Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.


“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist


Me: did you do your homework?

7: idk how

Me: it’s ok, we’ll do it together

[30min later]
Isn’t there somebody in your class we can call?


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….


Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*


*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!


Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order