New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You Might Also Like
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?