New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Thursday Thought.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.