New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.