Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.