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My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees