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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.