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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus