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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful