Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like