New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda