New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.