Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

[eulogy]

line?

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!