Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

You are not alone 💚

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning