Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.