Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

😭😭😭

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??