Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.