New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
🤣😂🤣😂
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter