Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

no!! no!!!!!!

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

uh oh

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.