[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
New superhero: The Delegator
“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”
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DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?
Darth Vader: Im An…
DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins
Darth Vader: I think he died
Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
*Drives by train wreck*
Train wreck:”I have a boyfriend.”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.