Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

For cardio I live beyond my means.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?