Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Lassie, get help!

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT