Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

So sorry

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces