Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.