[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
More like Kate Missington.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.