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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Succinctly put.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.