Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

Dolls on drugs

i made a craigslist ad !

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.