New tinder profile pic
You Might Also Like
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Put my back out twerking in the library again
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.