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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.