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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
HOW DARE YOU
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.