New Tinder profile.
You Might Also Like
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.