Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of