Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.