Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t