Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.