Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

$3 #books

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂