Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat