Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.