New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?