New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
What’s so funny?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable