new wife guy just dropped
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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept