new wife guy just dropped
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary