new wife guy just dropped
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB