new wife guy just dropped
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.