New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
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-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Banking tips
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.