Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

my dad has had enough

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u