Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

What is going on? 😅

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things