New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
meanwhile over on facebook
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”