new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
😂🍻
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.