new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.