new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?