“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
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The jeans are skinny. I’m not
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I can also cook 😂
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
But wait…
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.