New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.