New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
You Might Also Like
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Grandpa
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why? Just why? 😂
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide