New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Delightful if true: booby trap.