‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?