‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??