New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
This is sending me to another galaxy
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: