New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.