New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
This is my emotional support knife.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka