New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Crying is a sign of leakness.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
edward fingerhands
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.