new year update: losing everything but weight
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Am I having a stroke?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
