New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
weird email i got today
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.