New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!