New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying