New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!